the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Girls should come with a carfax report
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
