If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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