Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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