drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
