Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Who died my cat blue again?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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