I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
