I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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