My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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