You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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