Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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