every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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