i just had sex bonerless
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
