I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
