I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
