i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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