Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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