Four minutes until I can fart!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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