I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So many bounce houses so little time
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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