umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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