Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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