I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
