I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
