I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
