My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
His nipple licking is glorious
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
