I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
