Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
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