you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
