hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
