I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
