i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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