Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
