Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
