Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
