Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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