I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
