I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sober January is a disaster.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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