My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
