it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
