I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
