Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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