Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
