I'm so fucking centered right now
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
