ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
