They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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