when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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