he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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