I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
