So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Ketchup is God's man juice
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
