The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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