i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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